I see these people and I want to scream so loud but I am sadly the kind of people that doesn't like people stairing at me. I wish I could get over the fear and pain of the past. People dont think of me as fat anymore they see me as beautiful

What am I doing

Not sure how to feel or what to feel. Got off one crappy job to get another crappy job with less of a nuisance. New boss new everything. I am scared and excited at the same time. Not much sleep on first day but I guess that is how its ganna work out. Part of me is screaming yeah you can do this and the other part of me is like why the fuck did you take this job.... I hope I am not going to fuck this up...

         Yes! It has been a while but, in the time that I have been gone a lot has happened. Things such as loosing a what I thought was a friend. My new job has started and I am coming out of my shell a little at a time. I am still a shy one but its OK because i don't regret anything. Little buy little i am letting go but after long days at work its nice to be alone on the weekends. But its also depressing. I learn a little more about myself everyday that goes by and it makes me wish that i can be the strong, classy, funny, smart girl in my dreams. I am truly a dreamer with all my heart and i wish i could share my dreams with the world. But its so heard to write all of them down. Like there is one dream that there is a woman that owns a herb shop in a small town then one day people start to move in and more jobs start opening. The lady that runs the shop has new customers until one day a man accuses her of being a witch. then thing go all crazy...... Another story involves a woman coning back from a war to be awarded and then  runs into a guy she used to go to Yale college with to become a lawyer and find him to be a cop instead. Not only is he a cop but so is his two brothers and his father the commissioner. Oh joy but i can never get my story's going. Every time i start one it just sounds so childish. well that's all i have for now............................................

No longer

I am no longer angry or sad just waiting for karma and new people to meet. I am thinking of changing up my daily routine and ganna have fun doing it. Wish me luck life wish me luck.

Karma

To all the people out in the world that like to step on people like me thank you now the next time I will make sure your world falls apart. One point in time karma will bite you in the ass and you will be no more. So here carma karma karma I know people on you list that really could be fuck over right now

Just been called what????

So I have just been called J low

to think

             To think that things are gong to be OK is something that most people wish for but i find out that everyday is a surprise in itself. I am starting to understand that there are a lot of  strange people in the  world not just me. I have also come to realize that i have to tell myself i am beautiful first before anybody else because if you don't tell yourself then you will never believe it when it comes out of someone else s mouth. Yesterday before my boss ~~~~~ tells me good morning she looks me straight in the eyes and i Quote "You are beautiful Brittany"  then walks away with a smile on her face. Now why cant guys say that because that not only made my day but also changed how i look at myself a little bit more. I was truly moved by my boss and the complement made my day worth it. Guy only talk about buts or shall i say ass and boobs and that is so not appealing trust me.   Yes i know i have a big ass its a little obvious so you don't need to tell  me about it. And yes my boob are big and jiggly but that doesn't mean you have to point that out and stair at them. Yeah girls do it too but that is not all we look at or at  least all the girls i know don't do that. I rather be noticed for my wacky personalty and since of style the my ass and boobs. I rather someone fall in love with me because i am just what they need and want in their life. I am a good person and i am not stupid. I am a fast learner and I like to get along with anyone but the first time you disrespect me we will have problems from there on out. When i have a job I work on it till its done the same with people if you need my help i will help you till the very end or until i can no longer support you i that way. So why do you people like to bring others down. All through high, middle and Elementary school i was called ugly and stupid and not worth it.  Even my own mother has called me a mistake and so i have always had the attitude that i may not be good enough for all the people i want to help and love. But my boss and a few friends have given me a little bit of a new perspective these past few days and it feels good. I just wish  the guys i liked were like my best friends and my boss.

Music

So I filled my day with music and it made it a lot better. Thats all I needed was some music in my life. Then home with mindcraft and ice cream.

Lifes little dumb asses

To all the dumb asses in the world please and I mean please just die already because you all are making me want to commit suicide.  Really if you hit on me and you have a wife and 6 kids and I tell you to move.....guess what move. If I have to repeat myself to you more than 6 time then I dont want to talk to you because if you can't here me then ether you need to clean out your ears or you need a hearing aid so fix it and fix it now. Also id does not help when everyone is asking if your ok. If I look angry leave me the hell alone becase the more you ask the more Pissed off I get. I just want to go to bed and sleep please let the day go by fast

Fuck off

I did not think that life would be such an ass but guess what? it is oh yay! I hate people that pick on you constently and think its ok. Definitely if you have a wife and 6 children at home. Oh hell to the no! Fuck all that shit. You don't have the right to be calling me boo and telling people things that arw definitely not true. Like oh her daddy loves me.....oh when we have a baby girl.... fuck that shit for one if you have a wife I won't tuch you with a ten foot pole thank you. And my daddy don't know you .... so you dont know if my daddy loves you..... fuck off all you crazy mother fucker sorry for my bad language but you guys give all guys a bad name. You are the kind of guys that turn straight girls into lesbains.

Three words

       Finally got to cook on the new gas stove that dad put in and did pretty well. Yay! no pms from life today at the moment oh joy. I  made teriyaki chicken and rice. Yum! Now I want to cook even more. But no room at the moment so I have to wait for that. Today wasn't that bad at all which surprise me. Makes me happy that the day went as well as it did. I also went to the gym for 30 min today and walked a mile and a half.  I feel good today not any sadness and it makes me fwel better that I feel good.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learnd about life: it goes on." -Robert Frost

A little bit of life with PMS

To think that thing couldn't get and worse is an understatement in its self and when you find out that life is a little on the moody side its to late. But all you can do is suck it up and take it like a god. I would say man but most men can't even take the pain of child birth and I can't say woman because I know some crappy women out there that can't say no or won't say no. So I rather say god because they are supposed to be all mighty and shit. Well life is going a little pms my way. Dad had to buy a gas stove and hook it up over three days so couldn't cook anything , then water heater breaks so that was down for two days.then some at work calls out so I had to go in at 3 am. Then find out I have to work both days this weekend oh yay ........not. but it is all ok because I just have to keep telling myself overtime pay yay yay yay..... so on to the next day ............ Geronimo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only

Not only did I get some sl=p I slept for 10 hours almost staight. That is a plus for me yay. But my dad had to some how take the oven out then put the new one in I had some fun by going to brittenys and helped her run some arends. There is one person I know will always be there which makes life a little bit easier to deal with. Thank the gods that I have at least one. The world and life seem to come together and fuck my life up a little or a lot depending on the day of the week. I still want to do something with my life. I want to do something great that everyone will remember.  Somthing that would not only make my dad happy but my friends too. I want to ahow the world I am not useless and that I am able to show the world something new.

some cool websites if your bored



http://fantasynamegenerators.com/
http://www.theuselessweb.com/
https://www.eatthismuch.com/
http://www.instructables.com/
http://steep.it/
http://www.rainymood.com/
http://www.ted.com/
http://myfridgefood.com/
http://www.handspeak.com/word/
https://www.mathway.com/
http://tiii.me/
http://wtfsigte.com/
http://www.marbiru.com/days/
http://cryptii.com/text/select
https://dictation.io/
http://codedoodl.es/

                I don't know if i can be strong this time. I don't know how long i can hang on. I am not sure how much i can hold on to a smile. I want my dad to be happy but i don't think i can support him they way i want to. I don't know how much longer his brother can take all the thing he has going on. This is one thing i cant fix. i wish i could but this is unfix-able and it scares me because if my dad doesn't have to much to hang on to i don't know if he will make it. I cant even imagon life without my dad. He is all i have he helps me whenever i have a problem or tells me how to fix things. He gives me advice whenever i ask. He is my hero and he doesn't even know it. He means so much to me and i want him to be happy and proud. To tell you the truth he is the only reason i am still alive. Because i would and never want to see him cry or hurt . I know the feeling of loneliness all to well. I never want him to feel that. And if he does i want him to know he can cry on my shoulder and that i will be there for him till the end. So i never tell him what i am truly feeling because i don't want to burden him. But with all the stuff at work and with his brother i don't know what to do anymore. I am not sure how to take it all. I don't think i can be the rock everyone thinks i am. I feel like i am crumbling and everyone is just walking away as it happens. It scares me so much that it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to hide or just jump. It scares me so much that i cant find words to describe it anymore. I am scared and sad and tired. I don't know where to go or who to go to. I feel alone like no matter what i say no one can hear me. Like no one cares or gives a dam. I just want a hug sometimes and someone to tell me its all OK. That it will all work out. That they will be there no matter what happens its OK. I wan to feel safe from not just others but from myself too.

I dont know

The truth is I dont want this job at all. I hate it to the highest point possible. I have tried looking for another job but everything requires some form of college and I dont have much. It cost an arm and a leg just to get classes. I am not sure what to do and I dont want to go in a deep depression spiral like I did before.  I want ro be happy but I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I don't know where to go from here. Not sure where life is pointing me to but I would really like to know if I am ganna keep hating myself moat of my life you know. I want to be someone. I want to chanfe at least one persons life for the better. I want to tuch someone like so many have tuched me. I know quite a few people that have kept me alive without even knowing it and dor that I thank them from the bottom of my heart.  But I think sonon or at least I hope that I can do the same for others.  So this shoud be the la a t of my thoughts today and wirh that note I say Geronimo!!!!!!!!!!!

Useless

Ok so today is a little useless. And a lot of people asking stupid questions. I want to never do this again. This traing sucks. It makes no sense.  The things you do makes no difference.  The people are really stupid. I think we need to eliminate all the danger signs and safety signs so we can get rid of them.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/SW0BJwM9q_nyI

so today was a big headache going to HR just to tell them that i am supposed to be in training. i don't think i have ever hated someone other then my mother so much until today. In my training today i realized that i will have my work cut out for me which scares me a little. I wonder if i will make it. It is  a lot to learn . I wonder if i can do the things they want us to do. it worry's me so. But the day goes by makes me sad that thing have to change but that is the world that we so call know and love. I kinda wish i was a pet. If i was a pet that means no bills no jobs and you love your owner with all the love in your heart. To tell you something else i want a new job something that i will love. something that kinda sets my heart free. not sure what that is yet but i am working on it a little each day. I also thought of something my new job requires a lot of walking around so maybe i can lose some weight. i have so many things that go though my mind at night that  it makes it hard to sleep these days.  But when i dream i dream the weirdest thing you can ever imagine. like you know the movie "Jane Eyre" or "Braveheart" i dream that i am there right bye those people and it feels so real like i am there but not there. Those people don't even look like the ones in the movie. Which make it even weirder. Sometimes i just dream of being in my room when i was little talking to my imaginary friends but  in my dream they are real. Sometimes when i take a nap in my car before work i dream of the weirdest work related dream. it could have a coworker in it or just the job its self ether way its a little weird. I don't mind all the strange dreams to tell you the truth. it helps me escape the real world every now and then.well i think thats all for now at the moment ...................

Selena Gomez - The Heart Wants What It Wants (Official Video)

Taylor Swift - Bad Blood ft. Kendrick Lamar

To Start Things Off

OK to start out things i forgot i even had a blog then not only that, i realized a couple weeks ago that i had a really bad depression episode but that's just the tip of the ice burg. i am so scared of s lot of thing like for one telling people how i feel and at times it feels like it would kill me if i told them or that i am a burden to them and i don't want to be. I want to make people smile. I want to show the world that just because i am not skinny doesn't mean i have no heart or a brain. I love colors i love to talk and carry on a conversation i am me and i know no one can change me. I for some reason feel all alone when i am surrounded by friends. I have lost touch with my high school friends witch makes me feel worse i miss all my old friend because i cant seem to find anyone semi trustworthy. I don't talk to most of my family because ether i don't trust them or don't care for them for the thing they have done to my life. I really don't care for my mother and i kinda really don't trust her ether. I want to go back to collage but i don't know what for. I feel kind of like a leaf that is just waiting for the wind to blow. I am scared and tired of all the tings to come. The world has pushed a lot my way to the point i would rather die but i am still here just waiting for the right wind to blow my way. One day i will be loved and one day i will be as strong as everybody thinks i am but today i will cry and pry that that day will come soon for if it doesn't i don't know what to do. I have to be strong for my dad and help him as he get older and more forgetful i have to stay strong for my friends for when they need me and i have to stay strong for the people who pass in and out of my life in order to keep going. So if there is anything out there other then rain and sorrow please world let me know because i am tired of crying behind a mask, I am tired of being angry with myself. I am tired of being tired.