Bug off

To the ones that think I am suicidal you are so very very wrong. It will never happen no matter how many times it crosses my mind. For one  I won't do it. You only affect my brain and I can win those battles. You are the reason I fight myself every day. You are the reason my thoughts run a mess and why would I want anything to do with you. You started the pain but I promise you that I will finish on top. I will survive the way I know and that is with good people by my side. Family may be blood but I will tell you one thing, blood has hurt me more than anyone outside of my so called family. I have had strangers be better family then my blood relatives ever have. Family is the reason I no longer trust people. My family is the reason I don't like people or clowns. Family is the reason I don't like going out. But that's ok because of my so called family I am stronger on my own. I am willing to make a mistake and learn from it. I am willing to laugh and learn with strangers even if only for a day. Because of what you did to me I am who I am today. I am proud of myself and that is all that matters. I hope one day that someone will bestow the same pain onto you as you did onto me. I just want you to feel what I feel and then have everyone tell you stupid lies and fucked up remarks. I will never truly love you or trust you not even at death but I do forgive you. The problem is I pity you and all that are now in your life. So please here me out stay away from me. I don't want your drama or your pain. Leave me be stay out of my life. I am done with you.

So I wonder

So I wonder how it will all turn out. How will my decisions affect my outcome. How much further can i go in this lifetime? What should I do with my life of mine? How much am I willing to give up and do?

Day by day

Day by day my depression takes hold leaving me with little room to breath. Day by day I fight what feels like a battle I will never win. I fight the words and the thoughts that leave me awake for days at a time. The ones that tell me I won't make it. The thoughts like you are so stupid and what the hell you look so ugly. The ones that make me not want to get out of bed. The ones that tell me I will never make a difference. The ones that tell me I am different and weird. That nobody will ever or could ever love me. The ones that tell me nobody would miss me when I am gone. The ones that make me feel worthless and useless and forgotten. But then I also have the power to hide it all. To push all those thoughts away and win my battle. I may not win every single one but I win the ones that matter the most. You see no matter what people say I can't just get over it. It's not that easy. It's not something I can just get over. It's something I have to fight for every day. I am happy to fight because that just let's me know I am just that much stronger. I am proud to be me and to fight my own brain day by day. Because without the bad there would be no good. I don't fear death I fear leaving the ones I love. I fear not having them with me when I go. So I will fight day by day my own battle my own war and I will win. I will survive and I will show myself who is the boss. I will always want to be my bubble self. I want to be my own knight in shining armor. I will destroy my dragon one day. One day I will be my own hero and nobody can criticize me anymore. Nobody can tell me what I am because I am me and day by day I learn new things about myself. Thank you myself for being brave enough to fight and keep on  living.