Monday, August 31, 2015
so today was a big headache going to HR just to tell them that i am supposed to be in training. i don't think i have ever hated someone other then my mother so much until today. In my training today i realized that i will have my work cut out for me which scares me a little. I wonder if i will make it. It is a lot to learn . I wonder if i can do the things they want us to do. it worry's me so. But the day goes by makes me sad that thing have to change but that is the world that we so call know and love. I kinda wish i was a pet. If i was a pet that means no bills no jobs and you love your owner with all the love in your heart. To tell you something else i want a new job something that i will love. something that kinda sets my heart free. not sure what that is yet but i am working on it a little each day. I also thought of something my new job requires a lot of walking around so maybe i can lose some weight. i have so many things that go though my mind at night that it makes it hard to sleep these days. But when i dream i dream the weirdest thing you can ever imagine. like you know the movie "Jane Eyre" or "Braveheart" i dream that i am there right bye those people and it feels so real like i am there but not there. Those people don't even look like the ones in the movie. Which make it even weirder. Sometimes i just dream of being in my room when i was little talking to my imaginary friends but in my dream they are real. Sometimes when i take a nap in my car before work i dream of the weirdest work related dream. it could have a coworker in it or just the job its self ether way its a little weird. I don't mind all the strange dreams to tell you the truth. it helps me escape the real world every now and then.well i think thats all for now at the moment ...................
Sunday, August 30, 2015
To Start Things Off
OK to start out things i forgot i even had a blog then not only that, i realized a couple weeks ago that i had a really bad depression episode but that's just the tip of the ice burg. i am so scared of s lot of thing like for one telling people how i feel and at times it feels like it would kill me if i told them or that i am a burden to them and i don't want to be. I want to make people smile. I want to show the world that just because i am not skinny doesn't mean i have no heart or a brain. I love colors i love to talk and carry on a conversation i am me and i know no one can change me. I for some reason feel all alone when i am surrounded by friends. I have lost touch with my high school friends witch makes me feel worse i miss all my old friend because i cant seem to find anyone semi trustworthy. I don't talk to most of my family because ether i don't trust them or don't care for them for the thing they have done to my life. I really don't care for my mother and i kinda really don't trust her ether. I want to go back to collage but i don't know what for. I feel kind of like a leaf that is just waiting for the wind to blow. I am scared and tired of all the tings to come. The world has pushed a lot my way to the point i would rather die but i am still here just waiting for the right wind to blow my way. One day i will be loved and one day i will be as strong as everybody thinks i am but today i will cry and pry that that day will come soon for if it doesn't i don't know what to do. I have to be strong for my dad and help him as he get older and more forgetful i have to stay strong for my friends for when they need me and i have to stay strong for the people who pass in and out of my life in order to keep going. So if there is anything out there other then rain and sorrow please world let me know because i am tired of crying behind a mask, I am tired of being angry with myself. I am tired of being tired.
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